When I realized I had to do the work, I thought back and tried to place what it was that made me feel the way I did about myself. Almost every time it came back to caring what others thought, or letting others behavior influence my thoughts. I let My younger self be influenced by the bullies of my past life in a sense. I believed that I was fat and ugly for a very long time and that was all I was. Throughout my life I had masked it well, but still kept that same level of confidence and self-definement, just masked with my sarcasm. I will never forget in the fifth grade I became friends with one of the “popular girls”, I don’t know why it mattered to me so much, but now I understand. We came back from the school nurse because she was taking our weights and I told her that I had weighed 136 lbs. By lunch time everyone knew on the playground and was making fun of me, while meanwhile I thought she was my friend. From even before this time My dad would make me repeat the same affirmation everyday. In every day in every way I am getting better and better by the works of God. I would roll my eyes while he made me say it… But now I have affirmations throughout my entire house, reassuring me that I got this, that I am worthy, that this too shall pass.
I struggled for acceptance and love. But as I reflected I realized it was my own acceptance and love… After a couple heartbreaks that led me to the bottom, I decided it was time to be alone, time to spend time with me and do the work, and love the person that I am, finally. Because I know I have fantastic qualities however I don’t always believe myself. Actually I never believed myself… I don’t always believe that I am a strong resilient woman that can conquer anything, that was raised by a big heart. So for the past several years I have spent time alone, working on myself, working on my self-love and my acceptance and my balance and my understanding that I am a human and forgiveness is one of the most amazing things the human heart can do. What does the work mean to me? Self help books, time with myself, being my own friend, admiring small parts of myself as if I would a best friend. But it’s a one day at a time situation. We can’t look further than every day. We all have our own journey and pace that is meant to be lived and enjoyed while we reach our destinations.
So, what aren’t you forgiving yourself for today that can help you grow tomorrow? For me, dimming my own light, worrying what others thought of me, not listening to my own truth. But, that’s okay! I just forgot who I was for a second. I’m back! Heheheheh -Cardi B laugh**
Unapologetically Sam 