I think I’ve been more in my head than out of it, probably my entire life . I write so many blog posts in my head, but never publish them due to self-doubt. In the last couple weeks I’ve been thinking about posting more and more, but I just haven’t gotten to it I have felt a slight burnout feeling of just exhaustion trying to balance life itself. I’m sure you can relate somehow…
This week I have been in my bag so to say. Reflecting on 32 years on this earth and 10 of those without my mom. While I do not believe it gets any easier losing a parent, I think every day and every anniversary is difficult, but to think about 10 years. 10 years feels like a very long time but also yesterday. I try not to remember my mom in the state she was, when she passed on. Instead I try to think about all of the wonderful memories of just car rides, singing and dancing to Red Hot chili peppers, Girl scouts, yelling “penis” out the window at various golf courses while driving all around South Jersey. I think about The friends that we had that she treated like her own children, the kids at school in the cafeteria that came through her lunch line. Her influence always inspired me so much.
While I reflect on turning 32 on Sunday, I have her to thank for most of my character traits in life. I am proud of that. While I am not the person I fully want to be in life, I know the direction I want to be moving in. I know I don’t just want to be good, I want to do good. No doubt I’ll still be your regular snarky bitch. 😉🥴 You can’t change that about me Hehehe ( cardi b laugh)
But I think when we lose a parent or anyone close to our hearts for that matter, our life almost becomes a resilient dedication to wanting to be a better person, because missing them constantly is just a deep empty feeling and we have to fill with something. I choose happy thoughts even when they fight me. We all find ourselves in hard times but we are so much more resilient than we think.
I know I have angels watching over us. I have a niece or nephew on the way and so many blessings are coming. I am looking to the future with stars in my eyes.
Feel what you feel, be who you are, and keep working to make yourself proud. Remember your why.
Thank you 💝
Unapologetically Sam 