I received a random message from someone asking why I don’t write anymore. I thought, well damn that’s a great question…
I lost that drive. I was living in a fog for a year and slowly coming out . Grief comes in the small moments of trying to find the will to get up off the couch or get out of your head. It felt like it came every time I tried to think about doing most things. After the first year of my dad being gone I realized life was still happening, and there will be more.
There’s still a lot surrounding his death that doesn’t allow grief to sit too long. We put off going through things and cleaning out my parents house, because well, life.
As we moved into year two without my dad, the fog slowly dissipates. Gracefully allowing ourselves to write the script, my sister and I have dedicated a few hours a week to the process. I call it that because it is.
Grief is a strange blessing in itself. There are moments of joy, sadness, heart aches, and oh the memories. The memories. How bout finding things you never thought your parents kept. Regardless of its status, maybe even worthless. I’ve had memories come back to me from a time I didn’t recall. It’s nostalgic but, gut wrenching.
While this is year 2 without my dad, today marks 13 years since my mom has gone to heaven. Saying that doesn’t feel real, and there hasn’t been a day since, that she isn’t on my mind. In the same breath, or week I should say, I turn 35 years old. It feels twisted, the people that gave me life isn’t here to thank and celebrate with, just like all the birthdays since.
Yet I can’t help but look around my table at the people sitting with me knowing that’s where I’m meant to be. I reflect on how blessed I feel to have authentic and genuine love in my life through my family and friends. I don’t think we realize how blessed we are to be loved. It is not something everyone has and one of the only things money can’t buy.
In the past years I have learned what it means to give myself grace. I’ve learned it’s okay to feel and cry it out. Tomorrow is always a new day. It’s a bad day, not a bad life. It’s the journey , not the destination. Sometimes you never know how a stranger’s words can influence you. And Always, Always be grateful.
🥰🙏🏻✨
Unapologetically Sam 