If I could explain the season of life I’m in right now I would say that I feel overwhelming grief for the people and things that have exited my life in the past few months (let alone years, am I right, badum tsss). I would also tell you the amount of gratitude I feel from the bottom of my soul. The small joys that make my gratitude that much more appreciated. I see it everywhere in the most mundane things and I attribute that to how much I know life is fleeting.
Earlier this year, I met someone that changed my life in the shortest period of time. He made me see myself differently. He made me feel beauty and strength that was there all along , I just forgot about it. It was unexpected , but it was a few of the best months of my life. Unfortunately things moved too fast and I believe we triggered unhealed parts of one another. It honestly triggered my little person and abandonment wounds so much. Stuff I did not even think about in years had come up. I had to go back and learn to re-parent little Samantha all over again. But I think it was all worth it. Sitting with myself in that discomfort now feels different and I understand. I can go back and find her and she knows she is safe and I’m always here. I can always come home to myself when I feel that way.
I know life gives us people and takes them again and does this to teach us for so many reasons. I will say that I know we’re here for an experience, and if we put the ego aside, it’s not so hard to detach. But putting that ego down is not easy. Believing what is for you will not pass you is not easy… I’ve been struggling. I’m grieving a future with someone I saw forever with. When someone hits on me I laugh and say I broke up with the love of my life, no thank you, and I mean it. I’ve never been in this place but it put a lot in perspective for me. I’ve learned that two things can coexist. I can miss someone but know they need to heal from their past hurt and own dark soul of the night. Right person wrong time? May never know, but We’re all here just becoming . I hold no resentment. I send nothing but love and light on the regular.
Meanwhile, I had a friend breakup that rocked my world while all this has been going on. I was cut off from one of my best friends that I talked to everyday. I made the effort and reached out with nothing in response and after reflection, I realized that again the universe had different plans no matter how much I didn’t want that to be the case. Sometimes you have to look at it and think about whether something is actually good for you. You can be the most beautiful purple crayon but if someone only likes green you’ll never be right for them. The way people respond has nothing to do with you.
I’m always grateful for the experiences, while they hurt and I’m healing I would never take them back regardless. The tears and the lessons shape us to be the people we are becoming one day at a time. I have become more me than I have ever been, continuing to stay authentic to my true self. Choosing yourself is the prize. You don’t need anyone to complete you. You need to pour the love you so freely give others, back into yourself. That’s when your people show up and find their place in your life. While I’m grieving the loss of love, I have amazing friends and family in my life. Sometimes we just have to zoom out and remind ourselves of the blessings that we do have, even when it’s hard. Perspective is everything.
Thank you as always for reading friends 😊
Unapologetically Sam 